


and all the roads that lead you there are winding

by irrevocably



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, M/M, Unreliable Narrator, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-26
Updated: 2014-03-26
Packaged: 2018-01-17 01:55:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1369612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irrevocably/pseuds/irrevocably
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mike’s always had terrible timing. Levi returns home to a lukewarm welcome. Erwin’s life is thrown into sudden disarray, but Hanji refuses to give up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	and all the roads that lead you there are winding

**Author's Note:**

> this is admittedly an overreaction to that chibi episode where no one loves erwin i just want everyone to love him basically 
> 
> anyway, here’s wonderwall

In the evening, Erwin returns home to find that Levi has reorganized his entire apartment. Everything is immaculate and has its own place, and yet feels entirely wrong. The picture of he and Mike standing by the shore is no longer on the living room mantle, and in its place is a box of cleaning gloves, latex free. 

There is dinner on the kitchen table, a plate of chicken and vegetables covered by saran wrap that’s covered by an upturned colander. Erwin contemplates not eating it solely on principle, but there’s no one around to see him take a stand, and he is admittedly, hungry. 

So he opens his utensil drawer, ignores that Levi’s organized them into typical frequency of use from right to left, moves on. 

* 

There are certain things Hanji knows; that 0.3% of all road accidents in Canada involve a moose, that a single drop of liquid can contain up to 50 million bacterial cells, that an Olympic gold medal consists of 92.5% silver. That despite agreeing not to take sides, it might’ve been best if Levi never returned. 

It snowed that day, a storm that started in the early morning and showed no intention of letting up any time soon. A state of emergency was issued for the entire area, and Hanji, returning from her job despite being nonessential personnel, ducked into Erwin’s apartment lobby, closer than that of her own.

Upstairs, Erwin, actually essential personnel, had returned only a few minutes before. He took her jacket with his own, offered her a choice between coffee, tea, and wine. Mike was sitting on Hanji’s favorite chair holding the last can of beer, looking like he belonged there and wearing – 

“Did you not leave last night?” 

Mike shrugged, rolled up the sleeves of Erwin’s sweater even higher. “It’s treacherous out there.” 

“I know. I was out there.”

Mike chuckled and vacated the chair, taking the cup of tea from Erwin and passing Hanji the remnants of his beer. Hanji didn’t miss how his hand lingered against Erwin’s for a second too long, didn’t miss how Erwin didn’t look entirely uncomfortable, anymore. She pushed aside the guilt that was starting to well up.

“Do I get food too?” 

“Of course,” Erwin started to say, but his phone rang. The smile on Erwin’s face slipped into some sort of emotion Hanji couldn’t identify. She thought about making a joke, maybe about how cooking wasn’t really that difficult, but Erwin was a good cook, and she had never seen him like this before.

By the time Erwin hung up, he was smiling again, though it didn’t really meet his eyes and was visibly strained. “That was Levi. He’s stuck at the airport.” 

*

Mike can pinpoint the exact moment he decided he was going to marry Erwin Smith. He is 6, and does not understand the implications of his feelings, does not understand that there are legal issues, has not considered that Erwin doesn’t feel butterflies and sweaty palms.

Everyone he tells this to either laughs or looks angry. Erwin, instead, tells him he will think about it. There is a chance Erwin still remembers this promise, possibly.

Mike lets himself into Erwin’s apartment, with a copy of Erwin’s key he got after their first night together, which really wasn’t too long ago. But he isn’t surprised when he opens the door, sees Levi walk past with a laundry basket piled high.

*

Levi stops.

“How did you get in?” Mike asks. 

Levi almost throws the question back at him, but then he remembers that almost anything could’ve happened in ten years, that something most likely did. The proof is still burning a hole in his apron pocket where he instinctively stuck it after making a quick getaway the other day, when he noticed Erwin’s car pull into the apartment’s garage complex.

“Did you pick the lock?” Mike glances back at the front door. “I didn’t notice any scratches.”

Levi chooses not to dignify that with a response. He walks towards Erwin’s bedroom instead, aware that Mike is following him through the dimly lit hallways. He makes a mental note to buy better bulbs; this isn’t good for Erwin’s eyesight.

“If you’re going to stand here,” Levi puts the basket on the floor and kneels by the bed. “You can help me fold.”

Mike seems to think about it for a few seconds, but not for long. He sits down on Erwin’s bed, picks up a pair of gray sweatpants. Levi frowns at him.

“Does Erwin know you’re doing this?”

“No,” Levi says sarcastically. “He thinks he’s Cinderella and the animals are hard at work while he’s away.”

Mike smirks a bit. “About the same size.”

Levi scowls at him, and for a moment, it’s like nothing’s changed.

*

notes for:

working title: How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days (or, the Intricacies and Inner Workings of that Emotion we Call Love)  
written by: Hanji Zoe  
published by (hopefully!): HarperCollins  
copyright: 2014 because otherwise i’m going to get evicted oh my god 

  * Love is an emotion. Like most emotions, it ebbs and flows; it is always moving, always shifting. But love changes you, expands upon your already existing self-awareness, allows you to see others for who they are.
  * (unless love just blinds you to their faults)
  * There are three key neurobiological aspects – the brain, oxytocin, and the vagus nerve –that weave together to create the emotion _love_ , that allows the sharing of positive emotions with one another, the synchronicity of your biochemistries, and a mutual reflected motive in each other’s well-being.
  * (unless they don’t love you back and then you’re throwing all your well-being at them and they’ve got a ton of well-being and what do you have? nothing.)
  * basically it makes no sense don’t fall in love just don’t do it



 *

Hanji at 17 is not much different from Hanji at 28. She was still mostly the odd person out, a bit too excited about the mundane, expressed it in a way that only made her eccentricity stand out more. She was one of two students joining the high school in her senior year, and she figured that point alone would be enough for them to bond.

As it turned out, she was entirely wrong. Levi was all too used to transferring from school to school, incapable of staying in one place for more than a year; had no plans to make any lasting connections with anybody, mostly ate lunch alone in the parking lot and refused all of Hanji’s offers of walking home together, despite living on the same block.

Hanji’s first friend came in the form of one Mike Zacharias, whose chem lab partner was out sick and clearly the more useful half of the group. Hanji ended up doing all of the work, but Mike was patient and listened to her talk, and she figured it was all worth it.

Mike ended up introducing her to Erwin, and Erwin was apparently the only person Levi tolerated, and so senior year moved on.

Hanji’s first foray into writing came in the form of a scathing op-ed in the school’s newspaper in response to the administration’s refusal to allow Erwin and Levi to attend prom together.

But no one really read the school paper, and the only people that responded were the newspaper committee’s two advisors, who advised her not to push the matter further and to enjoy her last few months as a senior. Hanji, in response, threw together a petition created in Word, printed off thirty or so pages on her mom’s work printer, and bore down on the high school population at lunch until everyone signed it.

Back then, Hanji remembered being confused at Mike’s hesitance, at Mike’s reluctance to attend prom at all, even when she suggested they go together so they could make fun of Erwin and Levi. But it made sense, soon enough.

*

But it wasn’t really hesitance. Mike was caught off guard when Hanji excitedly announced her new initiative – mostly at the “Erwin and Levi are going to prom together” portion, which he was just hearing of then. He wondered if Erwin asked Levi, or if Levi asked Erwin, if it was a cheesy public invite, or if they looked at each other and just knew. Hanji had to hit him over the head with her clipboard to regain his attention.

But it was a good thing that he found out from her; he was completely prepared when Erwin told him, practiced how to respond to the smile that seemed too big for Erwin’s face. There was no hesitance in his agreement when Erwin asked to borrow his car for the night, and the casual teasing of his own lack of a date felt less like salt in the wound and more like the first stab.

Mike even teased back. Asked Erwin what they planned to do in his car.

Erwin would later tell him that they never made it out of Mike’s car, that Levi’s hair almost blended into the black leather upholstery, that Levi was impossibly beautiful and took his breath away. Erwin promised that he’d have Mike’s car cleaned, laughed with a dusting of red across his cheeks.

“It’s fine,” Mike elbowed him. “I’ll take care of it.”

Mike drove his car to the car wash, and sat in the lot for half an hour. His car smelled like Erwin, what he knew Erwin smelled like after a good round of exercise, with his hair in his eyes and his breathing heavy, but not quite the same. Underneath it ran something completely different, something Mike never smelled before, because Levi hated getting sweaty and would only sit on the bleachers while Erwin and Mike ran.

But Levi sat there anyway, in the baking sun. Mike tossed his keys to the employee, asked for a complete wash.

*

notes for:

working title: How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days (or, the Intricacies and Inner Workings of that Emotion we Call Love)  
written by: Hanji Zoe  
published by (hopefully!): HarperCollins  
copyright: 2014 because otherwise i’m going to get evicted oh my god

  * Love requires both a sensory and temporal connection; it is one of love’s major prerequisites. The hallmark of love is a mutual responsiveness, which is needed for the safe and comforting feeling that a relationship requires.
  * Otherwise, the anxiety that result can be love’s greatest killer. (“When a drowning man holds onto you, you want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic.” – Anais Nin)
  * basically if you don’t want to die an early death, you should probably fall in love with someone who loves you back
  * because otherwise it just really sucks.
  * and if you’re lucky enough that the person you love loves you back, fight for it!
  * god why are men so stupid.



*

It’s not so bad for a while. Erwin continues to be purposefully obtuse to the origins of his nightly dinners, of the food in his fridge that evidently throws itself out near the expiry date. After a month he doesn’t even think about it anymore, just picks up the colander, sticks the plate into the microwave.

The upside is that he no longer feels any sort of confusion about his situation, about how the clean break in high school didn’t seem so clean anymore, about what Levi might want and what he’s doing back at all. The days go by mostly like clockwork, and it’s easy to ignore the inner mechanical workings.

The downside is that the disconnect causes him to forget that food takes time to prepare, that the washer takes 45 minutes on whites, and the dryer takes 50 minutes no matter what setting it’s on. That someone is taking the time to dust every veritable corner of his apartment.

Which all becomes evident when he comes home early for the first time in his working career to find Levi on his knees, scrubbing at his kitchen tiles with a toothbrush.

*

Levi’s first instinct is to maybe hide in the kitchen cupboards, but even he is not that small, and he has not yet cleaned there. There is also a pot bubbling away on the stove, and it would be irresponsible for Levi to leave it unattended. Levi is many things, but irresponsible is not one of them.

“Hello,” Erwin says awkwardly. He takes off his jacket, and starts to put it on the couch. Something familiar flits across his face, and he stops.

“You remembered,” Levi says. There are places for things. Coats go on coat racks, or in closets. Shoes go in shoe cupboards. Scarves can also go on coat racks, though it’d be nice if they were folded in their own drawer. This was the first conversation they had in the back of Mike’s car, which wasn’t very good pillow talk, but there was also a distinct lack of a pillow.

Erwin shrugs. “You don’t have to do…this.” He waves a hand in the general direction of the floor. “I meant to say something earlier, but…” he trails off, looks quickly at the bleach stains on Levi’s jeans and the toothbrush in his hand. 

“I don’t mind.” Levi says, climbing to his feet, brushes the nonexistent dust off his pants. “Or would you rather I not?”

Erwin looks visibly uncomfortable. “Levi – “

Levi shoves the toothbrush into his back pocket, goes to the sink and scrubs his hands vigorously. “I made beef stew for dinner. I usually make extra and take a portion home.” He ladles it out into one of Erwin’s porcelain bowls, reaches for his own Tupperware that’s drying in Erwin’s dish rack.

* 

_You should stay_ is halfway out of Erwin’s mouth before he swallows it back. Levi will decline, say something socially acceptable like _no, I don’t want to intrude_ which would just be weird, and Erwin doesn’t want weird. Erwin would then say _no, I insist_ , and Levi would –

Erwin doesn’t know what Levi would say. Time changes people, and Erwin was apparently never as good as reading people as he thought he was. Maybe Levi would stay, and they would have dinner in awkward silence as the apartment glistened around them, or maybe they would have a nice conversation about the weather, which was not even arguably, but factually, worse.

So Erwin doesn’t say anything. 

*

Hanji chooses the café without much thought; it’s one she’s passed daily on her way to work, but it’s tucked away enough with an almost forcedly unassuming façade that it could be a front for shady drug dealings. 

“Imagine,” she says, “the kindly old man at the counter,” she drops her voice to a conspiratory whisper, “secretly distributes drugs through his croissants.”

“That’s a good explanation for the price. You’ve been watching too much Breaking Bad.” Petra is a sweet girl, and Hanji doesn’t see enough of her. Once upon a time, she might’ve been in love with Levi, but she’s not as stupid as Mike. It’s a comforting thought for the female race. “Why are we actually here?” 

Hanji shrugs. “I needed estrogen. The men in my life are idiots.”

Petra laughs. “I’ve heard through the grapevine. Levi suddenly showed up, right?”

Hanji picks the raisins off her scone, stacks them in a pile on her napkin and pushes it towards Petra. “Yeah.”

“How many years has it been? Are he and Erwin…how’s _Mike_?”

“A lot. I don’t know.” Hanji watches with fascination as Petra eats the raisins. Raisins taste nothing like grapes, are wrinkled and unappetizing, and could be a metaphor for something, if she wanted to try. “I don’t know what he wants. I don’t know if they know what they want. Well, Mike knows he wants, but that’s not even slightly helpful.”

Petra frowns, and leans back in her chair. She’s quiet for a few minutes; the only sounds in the café are the clinking of cutlery against silverware and the dubstep seeping through the headphones of the kid in the corner. Finally, she speaks. “How’s the book going?”

Hanji blinks.

Petra shrugs. “We were talking about the Bechdel Test in class this week, and…” she shrugs again, grimaces.

Hanji laughs, reaches over the table for Petra’s hand. “I could marry you.”

Petra chuckles. “Auruo came close to saying that the other week.”

Hanji pulls back. For all of Petra’s willingness to go along with her antics, she is taken and a solid zero on the Kinsey Scale. Out of the two, Hanji doesn’t know if she identifies more with Levi or Mike.

* 

notes for:

working title: How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days (or, the Intricacies and Inner Workings of that Emotion we Call Love)  
written by: Hanji Zoe  
published by (hopefully!): HarperCollins  
copyright: 2014 because otherwise i’m going to get evicted oh my god

  * like yeah, i get it. erwin doesn’t want to be hurt again.
  * but it’s not like he’s not hurt now.
  * mike’s a great guy
  * i don’t know what any of them see in each other



*

On Sunday, Erwin wakes up to a hesitant knocking at his door, like the person isn’t sure if it’s the right door or if he should be knocking at all. He runs a hand through his hair, tries to make himself mildly presentable and gives up when he hits the third tangle.

“Hi,” Levi says, when he opens the door. He looks oddly determined, one hand clutching a bucket filled to the brim with cleaning supplies, and the other holding a paper bag lightly stained with grease. “I didn’t get a chance to clean under your sink yesterday.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Erwin says, except he is still mostly asleep and completely confused, and Levi lightly pushes past and sets up shop on the kitchen counter. 

“You should eat this before I start cleaning,” he holds out the paper bag. “It’s a chocolate croissant. You used to like them.”

“Are you afraid of cross contamination? Fumes don’t really work that way.” But Levi is moving around like he owns the place, and Erwin is still too tired to put much effort into his protests.

“I feel like…I feel like I should be paying you,” Erwin says into the silence; even Levi’s scrubbing is quiet. There should probably be at least the sounds of brushes against linoleum, and yet Erwin feels like he’s completely alone.

Levi’s head pops out from under the sink. He stays silent for a bit, stares at Erwin and absentmindedly rubs at the already scrubbed sink ledge.

“Do you not like chocolate croissants anymore?”

“What? No, they’re fine. Better than fine.” Erwin exhales. “Please come out from under there. I have eggs in the fridge. Let’s have…breakfast.”

Levi stands up. “That sounds nice.”

Erwin pretends that he doesn’t hear the triumph that underlies it.

*

Breakfast starts off quietly. Erwin tentatively breaks the silence because despite all outward appearances, he does still care about Levi, which might be the major issue. They talk about the past decade or so, about Erwin’s MCATs, about how Levi moved a multitude of times after high school. Levi tells him about how those moves were all incredibly easy, comparatively. He looks Erwin in the eyes as he says this.

“What are you trying to say?” Erwin asks. “You’re going to leave again.” Which isn’t what he should be saying. Mike’s name should probably come up somewhere.

Levi swallows his bite of eggs. “You don’t have to love me back,” he says quickly. “Just stop trying to avoid me.”

Erwin folds up the croissant’s paper bag until it is the size of his thumbnail. The butter from the pastry feels thick in his mouth; the word _love_ still rings in his ears. “I will try,” he finally says, to both of Levi’s requests.

*

Mike tosses the dirtied towel into the plastic bin, rolls up his sleeves and slides under the car so he doesn't have to look at Levi. “I don’t know what you’re trying to do, but I feel like you should know Erwin well enough to get it.”

Levi is sitting on a stool near the door, low enough that Mike can still see his knees. “Does he love you?”

Mike ignores him. “You don’t just get to up and leave one day and come waltzing back in like there’s no repercussions. Erwin’s really single-minded – he can take day-to-day changes or even larger ones, but – what did you expect? For him to fall back in love with you until the next time you leave? I’ve been – “ Mike stops abruptly, stares at the underside of the car and takes a deep breath.

“I knew,” Levi says.

Mike exhales, glances at Levi’s shoes without much kindness, but the animosity’s gone out of him. Erwin is a grown man, and capable of making his own choices. It’s just that his choices are kind of shitty, and tend to screw Mike over.

Levi taps his foot against the concrete ground. “You looked – look – at Erwin the way Erwin used to look at me.”

There’s a long, almost impenetrable silence. 

“Am I supposed to feel bad for you?” Mike asks. 

“No,” Levi stops tapping. “Why didn’t you make a move earlier?”

Mike is wrong. Most of the animosity rushes right back, but it’s entirely unfair. “Erwin has a dentist appointment next week. Stop feeding him so much sugar.”

*

notes for:

working title: How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days (or, the Intricacies and Inner Workings of that Emotion we Call Love)  
written by: Hanji Zoe  
published by (hopefully!): HarperCollins  
copyright: 2014 because otherwise i’m going to get evicted oh my god

  * okay fine i get mike
  * it’s just that you go for so many years with all of your emotions completely invested in this one person and you know you have absolutely no chance whatsoever and yet you still try because they make you so _happy_
  * and basically
  * go mike
  * (except erwin doesn’t love mike)
  * ~~~~~~(and petra doesn’t love me)~~



*

In early February, Hanji organizes a small college reunion that’s basically a high school reunion, with the exception of Levi. Everyone there mostly knows everyone else, in sort of a Kevin Bacon-esque way.

“How long are you going to be around?” Petra asks Levi in the middle of Hanji and Moblit’s conversation about the efficacy of 24-hour news networks. Hanji’s obliteration of CNN skips a beat, though it goes unnoticed.

Levi frowns. “I’ve been here since December.”

“So ten more months…ish?” Petra says. “That’s not that bad, I guess.”

Hanji ignores Levi’s deepening frown and glances at the other end of the room, where Mike’s hand rests loosely on Erwin’s waist. In comparison, Levi’s grip on his wine glass is far too tight. Hanji fears for the integrity of her glassware. “They’re not – “ she cuts in; Levi and Petra both turn to look at her. Hanji inhales, wonders if _I’m not going to take sides_ ever really meant anything, given the circumstances, and wonders if Erwin’s included in that at all. “It’s not – I mean, it’s not _not_ serious, but Erwin doesn’t know how _much_ Mike – yeah.”

Levi watches her over the rim of his glass for a while. His grip loosens, noticeably. “I can’t believe you’re having trouble writing a book. 

Hanji allows herself to laugh.

*

Fucking Erwin is still somewhat of a religious experience. Mike keeps a body part against Erwin at all times – it doesn’t have to be anything significant or sexual, his elbow against Erwin’s arm when he’s reaching for something is fine – like he’s not quite sure if Erwin is real.

Erwin has never bottomed for anyone else, Mike’s pretty sure. He’s tight, responsive; voice goes slightly hoarse after the second time around. Mike wraps a hand around Erwin’s cock and jerks him off with short, quick strokes.

But Mike’s favorite part is kissing him. Erwin’s lashes are lighter than his hair, probably not as long as Mike thinks they are, but he is admittedly biased and that’s okay.

“Do you want a family?" 

Mike forces himself to not react, pulls back a bit and regards Erwin with what he’s made sure to appear as slight confusion.

Erwin laughs uncomfortably. “I don’t mean with me, necessarily. Just in general. You’re 29. I’m…” 

“Also 29,” says Mike. “We’re the same age.”

Erwin crinkles his nose, and Mike has to fight the urge to kiss it. “I had a patient call me the Hot Dad Doctor the other day.”

“Next you’re going to tell me that your biological clock is ticking.”

Erwin laughs again, though lighter this time. “Everyone we know is settling down.” He pauses for a second, and Mike buries his face in the crook of Erwin’s neck.

“Yeah, Auruo proposed, didn’t he?” It comes out as more of a mumble; Erwin pushes at his head gently.

*

notes for:

working title: How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days (or, the Intricacies and Inner Workings of that Emotion we Call Love)  
written by: Hanji Zoe  
published by (hopefully!): HarperCollins  
copyright: 2014 because otherwise i’m going to get evicted oh my god

  * so you’ve gotta let them go, right?
  * even if it rips you apart
  * because otherwise they’d just feel how you feel right now
  * and this is a really shitty feeling
  * nts: make more eloquent for editor



*

The wedding happens on a Sunday. Erwin hasn’t dressed up in a while, hasn’t worn anything other than scrubs and a white coat for too long to feel at home in a nicely pressed suit. He tugs at his tie, ends up loosening it.

“Don’t do that,” Levi says, reaches up and tugs Erwin down by his tie, retightens it and scrutinizes its symmetry with a careful eye.

“Thanks,” Erwin says awkwardly. “You look nice.”

Levi snorts. “I look like a tiny monkey.”

Erwin’s tentative smile widens. “Is there a particular feature that lends itself to the monkey comparison?”

“No,” Levi glances at him. “You look like a large monkey. A nice large monkey.”

A not uncomfortable silence passes; out of the corner of his eye, Erwin can see Levi glance at him intermittently.

“Where’s Mike?”

Erwin stiffens instinctively, forces himself to relax. He ignores that he hasn’t really thought about Mike since they’ve gotten here, ignores how easy it was to let Levi straighten his collar and gently berate him. “I think he’s checking on the “Just Married” car. Auruo mentioned something about the engine.”

Levi makes a noise that sounds like a cross between disbelief and laughter. “Cutting it kind of close, isn’t he? Petra’s allowing this?”

Erwin’s smiling again. “I’m not sure Petra’s entirely aware of the situation.”

“Oh my god,” Levi mutters. “Auruo’s going to end up on the couch on his honeymoon.”

Erwin chuckles, smiles at Levi and tries to press down the feelings that well in the pit of his stomach as Levi smiles back. There are so many mistakes he could make right now; Petra deserves a wedding without any distractions.

“Erwin!”

Erwin’s head snaps up, ignores the combination of relief and disappointment when he spots Gunter waving at him.

“Oh, hey! Levi.” Gunter looks momentarily confused, then shakes his head. “Have any of you guys seen Hanji? The wedding’s about to start and the bride’s missing her maid of honor.”

*

Hanji alternates between fiddling with the high collar to her dress and the edge of the picture frame. It’s a nice photo; Petra’s arm is around her shoulders and her arm is around Petra’s waist. Hanji stops herself from laughing, because Erwin has been watching her carefully for quite some time.

“So Levi didn’t come with you, huh?”

“No,” Erwin says. “He went to see Petra.”

Hanji glances at him. “So?”

“So…?”

“Where’s my big speech? ‘There are plenty of fish in the sea’, ‘time heals all wounds’, all of that. You’re a terrible friend, Erwin.”

Erwin offers the floor a small smile. “There are plenty of fish in the sea. Many of them are terrifying and would not make good partners.”

Hanji slaps Erwin’s arm. “You’re not helping.” She rubs her eyes, flaps her hand in Erwin’s direction for a handkerchief. “I said I wasn’t going to do this. I was going to be happy for her – I _am_ happy for her. I’m just not happy for myself. That makes sense, right?”

“Of course.”

“Don’t give me ‘of course’. I can’t believe – I can’t believe you’re the one giving me relationship advice. This was never going to go anywhere good.”

“That’s not entirely fair.”

“Yes it is. I’m heartbroken, so what I say goes.” Hanji tugs on the end of her dress sleeves, holds her arms out. “How do I look?”

“Radiant.”

Hanji rolls her eyes. “That’s your problem, Erwin. If you could just grit your teeth and be a total asshole, then all of your problems would be solved.” She forces herself to shove the picture into Erwin’s hand. “That’s from that beach trip we took together junior year. The ladies’ night out one, remember?”

“The one we ended up crashing.”

“Sure,” Hanji says. “I don’t actually really remember you guys being there.” She hesitates for a second. “I don’t have anything enlightening to say. The show’s gotta go on.”

“Yes.”

Hanji hooks her arm in Erwin’s, presses herself into his side for warmth. It’s been a cold spring, somehow even colder than it was in the winter. Erwin drapes his suit jacket over her shoulders and Hanji laughs.

“I can’t wear your coat up the aisle. You really shouldn’t be so nice.”

“Just until we get to the doors then. If you get sick, who’ll be there to make sure we all don’t fall apart?”

“It must be nice to have so many people love you.”

Erwin stops abruptly. Turns. “I’m sorry?”

“Ah,” Hanji mutters. “How did you ever pass the MCATs?” But then they’re at the doors, and Petra’s beaming at her. Hanji throws a smile onto her face that isn’t entirely disingenuous, beams back. The opening chords to the Wedding March ring far too loudly in her ears. 

*

notes for:

working title: How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days (or, the Intricacies and Inner Workings of that Emotion we Call Love)  
written by: Hanji Zoe  
published by (hopefully!): HarperCollins  
copyright: 2014 because otherwise i’m going to get evicted oh my god

  * so basically i’ve made my decision
  * (but i’ve known mike longest)



 *

An accident on the freeway keeps Erwin at the hospital for four nights on end, with limited sleep and even less solid food. At this point, he’s pretty sure his bloodstream is about 30% caffeine.

He doesn’t really trust himself to drive, so he lends his car to a slightly more coherent colleague and decides to take the subway instead.

Levi shows up at the hospital entrance, with a thermos and a sandwich in a plastic bag. 

“It’s tomato soup. Hanji gave me some basil out of her window garden box.” He takes Erwin’s backpack, passes him the food in exchange.

“How long have you been out here?”

Levi shrugs. “Not long. I don’t have much to do anyway, since you won’t let me clean your apartment anymore.”

“You say that like I’m taking something away from you.”

Levi tilts his head up at him. “We should hurry. Rush hour is a tragedy.”

* 

There is far too little room in the subway car, and Levi ends up pressed against Erwin’s chest a bit too closely to breathe. They manage to find seats four stops in, and Levi holds Erwin’s backpack on his lap, gestures for him to at least drink the soup.

“I’m being unfair to you,” Erwin says.

“Somehow,” Levi attaches on. “You’re being unfair to me somehow. There’s a bit of mental gymnastics you’ll need to do to actually come to that conclusion.” Erwin’s eyelids are drooping; Levi reaches over, pulls the thermos out of his hand. “But don’t think about that now.”

*

Mike is not a spectacular cook, but even he is capable of buying precooked food and turning the oven on to the indicated temperature. The roast on the table looks homemade, like the nice lady behind the deli counter promised him it would.

He hears a key turn, hurriedly takes off the oven mitts and shuffles in his ridiculous slippers to the front door. He isn’t sure what to feel when Levi manages his way through, propping up Erwin with more or less all of his weight.

He pushes that aside momentarily, reaches out for Erwin. “What’s wrong?”

Levi looks like he might be shrugging. “He’s just tired. Can you take his backpack? And the thermos.”

Mike pulls back, and then does so. “We’ll put him in bed. And then we need to talk.”

*

Levi rubs his shoulders while regarding the roast on the kitchen table. “That’s…impressive.”

“It’s store bought,” Mike says. “What are you trying to do?”

Levi actually shrugs. “I just thought he might be hungry.” 

“Don’t give me that.”

“Erwin feels the same way about me that I do about him.”

“But you can’t stay,” Mike says. He forces himself to not look towards Erwin’s bedroom door.

“I can try,” Levi says, and Mike freezes. This isn’t something he expected to hear. He can barely compete with a nonexistent Levi, much less this.

“Trying – trying isn’t good enough.” 

Levi stares down at the table for a second. “Thanks,” he says abruptly. “For taking care of him all these years.”

“Don’t you fucking dare,” Mike says, but Erwin’s asleep, and he can’t bring himself to raise his voice. He barely hears Levi’s _I’ll take it from here_.

*

notes for: 

working title: How to Lose a FRIEND in Ten Days (or, the Intricacies and Inner Workings of that Emotion we Call Love)  
written by: Hanji Zoe  
published by (hopefully!): HarperCollins  
copyright: 2014 because otherwise i’m going to get evicted oh my god 

  * fuck i’m so sorry mike



*

It falls apart on a Saturday. The sun is particularly bright, and the sky is strikingly blue. Mike comes over later in the afternoon to drop off Erwin’s car, and to insist he take the unofficial discount that has never been given to anyone else. Erwin asks him what he would like to drink, and gets “wine” as a vague answer. 

He pops his head out of the kitchen to ask Mike if red is okay, because he’s just remembered that Levi used up the last of the white in some weird pasta dish that didn’t seem like it came from an actual recipe, but was actually really good. Mike is standing in front of living room mantle, staring at the box of cleaning gloves that still sit there.

And then Erwin figures it out. Levi never returned the photo, probably not by accident. The cleaning gloves really aren’t all that interesting.

“Mike.”

Mike turns, looks like his usually pleasant self at first, until he notices how Erwin’s staring at him. “Ah. I owe Hanji $50.”

“Were you ever planning on telling me?”

Mike shrugs. “I was hoping you’d figure it out yourself. Kinda actually hoping you’d fall in love with me, and then I’d tell you about the pain of years of unrequited love. It’d be really romantic.”

Erwin doesn’t laugh. “I’ve been so caught up with – “

“Please don’t say his name. At least for like, the next ten sentences. Let me have at least ten sentences.” 

“But he won’t stay.”

Mike almost wants to laugh. “He said he’d try. I mean, he’s not the same person he was in high school. Who the hell knows what love is in high school? Apart from you and me, I guess. Also, biological clocks. All that.”

Erwin feels his heart skip in a way that makes him mentally search every scenario he learned about in med school. Every possible conclusion results in an early death. “Why are you telling me this?”

Mike takes a deep breath. “Because this is my one chance to prove I’m better for you. Please think about it.”

*

Levi lets himself into Erwin’s apartment with the key Hanji mailed him last summer, accompanied by a note that only read _I don’t want Erwin to be me_. The stench of alcohol hits him almost immediately, and Levi isn’t optimistic enough to even hope that it’s being used to disinfect something.

And unless that something is Erwin, his cynicism is right. Erwin is not really asleep on the couch, an arm thrown over his eyes and mumbling something under his breath.

Levi walks over. “Alright, time to get you cleaned up.” He gets an arm under Erwin’s back, watches as Erwin peeks out from under his own arm.

“Levi?” 

“Yeah. You look like shit.”

“Mike’s in love with me.”

“He told you, huh.” He pulls Erwin up, leans him against the back of the couch. “Stay here. I’m going to get you water.”

Erwin grabs his arm. “You knew?”

“Who didn’t?” Erwin’s grip is really strong, even when plastered. “Except you.”

The way Erwin stares at him makes Levi feel like he’s doing something wrong. He squashes it down, brushes the hair out of Erwin’s eyes. “I’m not giving you up.”

Erwin frowns, like he’s confused. “I don’t want you to.”

“No?” Levi asks. Erwin’s hand is still on his arm. Levi leans forward, keeps his eyes open and presses his lips to Erwin’s, ignores the stench of alcohol and focuses on the way Erwin’s eyes go out of focus. 

Erwin is an amiable drunk. He is also warm and pliable, willing to let Levi undo his shirt with shaky hands; mouth falls open all too easily, and he tastes mostly of cheap wine and cheaper beer, but Levi persists.

Erwin kisses back; pulls away long enough to mumble. “Why didn’t you stay in contact?”

Levi eases Erwin onto his back, climbs on top and makes his way down. “At first I figured we were just young.” He undoes the button on Erwin’s pants, tugs them down just far enough so that Erwin can spread his legs. “I moved so much, and I thought I’d get over you like I did everything else.” He tugs Erwin’s briefs down as well, gets a good grip on the hilt. “And then I never called later,” he says against Erwin’s inner thigh, “because I never wanted to hear _I met someone_.” 

Erwin squints at him, face flushed and sweat-matted hair back in his eyes. Levi reaches up, brushes them to the side, presses a kiss to his forehand and unbuttons his own pants. He presses a kiss to the tip of Erwin’s cock, gives it a few rough jerks with his hand before he reaches back, works himself open.

“Someone else?” Erwin asks.

“No,” Levi manages. “Just someone.” He hasn’t bottomed for anyone in a while, hasn’t done more than jerk himself off with an arm thrown over his eyes when alone. But Erwin is now hard and enthusiastic, so Levi lowers himself past the burn until he can go no further.

Erwin’s hands are hot on his hips, his movements sloppy and unwieldy. Erwin is too drunk to have any decent aim, can’t figure out the right rhythm to make Levi see stars, but Levi comes anyway, impossibly.

He doesn’t think much about it, winces as he slides off Erwin’s cock, slides a condom on. Works Erwin with his mouth until Erwin’s hands find his hair, tightens, pulses, comes.

*

notes for:

working title: How to Lose MULTIPLE FRIENDS in Ten Days (or, the Intricacies and Inner Workings of that Emotion we Call Love)  
written by: Hanji Zoe  
published by (hopefully!): HarperCollins  
copyright: 2014 because otherwise i’m going to get evicted oh my god

  * i swear levi if you screw this up



*

In the morning, Mike shows up bearing gifts. He has an assorted array of pastries because they look nice, and breakfast sandwiches that will actually be filling. He sets the table, makes the coffee, opens Erwin’s bedroom door.

Levi is curled around Erwin like a pair of wayward earphones. Erwin’s eyes open slowly, don’t focus and land on Mike until a few minutes later.

“Mike?” Beside him, Levi stirs, shifts, but doesn’t detach himself.

“Fuck you,” Mike says, though he’s mostly defeated instead of angry, “you could have at least had the decency to let me know.” Except Erwin at 29 is somehow much like Erwin at 6, and Mike’s fist connects with Levi’s jaw instead. He ignores that there is nothing to haul Levi up by, ignores the scattered red marks that run down his body. He grabs his shoulders instead.

“I swear if you hurt him again – “

“I’ll try not to.”

“That’s nowhere near good enough, and you know that – “

“Mike,” Erwin repeats, starts to get out of bed and grabs his head.

“He’s hung over,” Levi explains through his swelling jaw, picks himself up and goes to Erwin’s side. “Keep your voice down,” he says, like this is a perfectly normal conversation under completely normal circumstances. 

“Drunk,” Mike echoes.

Erwin’s head snaps up. “It was consensual.”

“Of course it was,” Mike says. “I guess I brought you guys breakfast. Congratulations, and do not come after me.”

He pulls out his phone halfway down the block. Texts Hanji. _Did you ever get a chance to properly cry over Petra?_  

* 

Levi protests, but Erwin manages to get him out the door, arms filled with most of the pastries and sandwiches. The rest he sticks into Tupperware, pushes into the back of the fridge.

But he can’t ignore the marks that decorate his throat, his collarbone, the one right over his heart; bright red against his the pallor of his skin. He tugs a shirt on, dry heaves a few times before he finishes brushing his teeth.

In a few months, Erwin will be 30. He thinks about Mike, about Levi, about how he knows it feels to hold unto something unattainable for so long. It’s probably a good thing there’s nothing solid in his stomach.

*

notes for:

working title: How to Lose ALL OF MY FRIENDS in Ten Days (or, the Intricacies and Inner Workings of that Emotion we Call Love)  
written by: Hanji Zoe  
published by (hopefully!): HarperCollins  
copyright: 2014 because otherwise i’m going to get evicted oh my god

  * okay, done. good luck, levi. and erwin too, you asshole.



*

_~~I think we should~~_

_~~It’d be nice if we~~_

_when are you guys free?_ Erwin types into his phone _we should all have dinner sometime_. He holds his breath for a response.

Hanji replies first. _Sounds good. How are you doing?_

Erwin goes to answer, and gets the other two replies almost simultaneously.

_okay. you don't need to feel bad about anything._

_k. can i see you yet_

Erwin feels worse, if possible.

*

Erwin taps his glass for attention, which despite sounding too formal, is still better than the awkward silence that lingers when it tapers away. He clears his throat instead, offers a hesitant smile; dives right in. “I submitted an application to Doctors without Borders a while ago, and I was accepted. I’ve decided to go.” 

He is wrong; the silence now is far worse.

“Congratulations?” Hanji looks mostly confused, keeps glancing in between Levi and Mike like she might need to intervene in a fight. “Where did this come from?”

“I wanted to do something else,” Erwin tries.

“I’m coming with you,” Mike says, but it sounds instinctive and he looks as if he regrets it immediately, glances over at Levi and back down at his plate. Hanji seems relieved, almost. Reaches over and slaps his arm. 

“It’s Doctors without Borders, not forlorn lovers who don’t understand borders. Sit down,” she says, even though Mike never stood up.

“Are you trying to punish me?” Levi says quietly. 

“This has nothing to do with you,” Erwin tells him, which is mostly true. “What happened was my fault.” Which was entirely true.

“Right,” Levi says, still overly quiet. “Will you at least let me drive you to the airport?”

Erwin isn’t really sure what to say. Mike is staring at him too, and he kind of wishes they would both follow Hanji’s example, which is apparently to study extremely carefully the piece of halibut in front of her. Erwin kind of wants to follow Hanji’s example as well. “You don’t have a car,” he finally says.

*

notes for:

working title: How to Lose ALL OF MY FRIENDS in Ten Days (or, the Intricacies and Inner Workings of that Emotion we Call Love)  
written by: Hanji Zoe  
published by (hopefully!): HarperCollins  
copyright: 2014 shit this is really cutting it close

  * was that a mistake?
  * i hope i didn’t make a mistake
  * can you cancel first class mail



* 

On the morning of Erwin’s flight, Hanji breaks into Erwin’s apartment with the ingredients for pancakes from scratch, and two boxes of pancake mix, because she is well aware of her abilities and limitations. 

Mike shows up three burned pancakes in. Levi, as it turns out, had stayed the night, something both she and Mike find out about when he goes to sit on the couch and gets shoved off in response.

Hanji’s laughter wakes up Erwin, and he seems unfazed to find his kitchen hazy with smoke, to see Mike on the floor and Levi glaring. “Good morning,” he says.

“Morning,” Hanji answers for all of them, and puts the last Tupperware into a reusable shopping bag. “We’re going for a drive.”

*

The pancakes are either cold and lumpy or cold and thin like paper. Hanji slaps a bit of jam onto one and slaps another on top, makes herself a pancake sandwich and gestures for the boys to do the same.

“So remember that book I was working on like a year ago?”

Levi looks up from where he was eyeing the pancakes suspiciously.

“Well, it’s being published!” Hanji beams at all of them, laughs internally at the visible guilt on their faces. “Release date is in a week; I’m going on a book tour. Maybe I’ll get the Colbert Bump.”

Erwin’s smile barely fits on his face. “That’s great! We always knew you could do it.”

“Shit,” Mike says. “Don’t forget about us when fans are beating down your door.”

Hanji laughs. “It’s not like I wrote Harry Potter or Fifty Shades. Anyway, we’re all going to write to each other. I’ll start all of them – “ she waves off Levi’s frown, pushes a jar of peanut butter towards him. “I’ll write a letter, and then I’ll send it to Mike, who’ll write his portion and then walk it to Levi I guess, and Levi will send it to Erwin, and we’ll all be in the loop about everything.”

“What if it gets lost?” Erwin asks. “How do we know who had it last or if it got lost at all?”

Hanji bites into her pancake concoction, which isn’t too bad, if she ignores the mostly raw center. “If you don’t know whether or not it’s lost, then you’ll always be waiting for something.”

“How deep,” Levi says sarcastically. He hasn’t touched any of Hanji’s pancakes. Hanji sets her own aside, gets to work making him one. Hanji woke up at 3am to get all of the ingredients, so they will eat them all.

Mike, on the other hand, has eaten four of them, and is reaching for his fifth and sixth. “I’m leaving too.” He’s focusing very intently on getting an even spread of peanut butter. “I’ve got a friend up north that’s wanted a partner for his auto body shop for a while, but. I.” He shrugs. “Anyway, no use staying now.”

Hanji recovers first. “So I guess you’ll mail it to Levi? Who will be…”

“Here,” Levi says. “I’ll be here.”

“Huh,” Hanji says.

“Huh,” Levi echoes.

*

notes for:

title: The Science of Love: How it’s Probably All Worth it in the End  
written by: Hanji Zoe  
published by (confirmed!): HarperCollins  
copyright: 2014 yeeeeeeeeeah

  * but you never really know what could happen
  * maybe things will turn out for the best; you really don’t know what the future holds
  * and if they don’t, make them.



 

 

**Author's Note:**

> information for hanji's brief attempt at the science behind love is largely paraphrased from Love 2.0: How Our Supreme Emotion Affects Everything We Feel, Think, Do, and Become, by Dr. Barbara Fredrickson. cheers, ma'am, and it is a good thing that you will never see years of your research stripped down for gratuitous bl melodrama


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